Good news, fans. The country is slowly, but surely, opening back up.
That means fans in the stands.
That means revenue for baseball.
And that means we will definitely have a baseball season. Which means I'll actually pay attention this year.
I confess, I didn't watch a single Major League game in 2020. I watched about three innings of the World Series, and that was only out of completion, or boredom. I didn't invest in the baseball season because, honestly, I didn't think they would finish it.
Didn't finish dinner, either. Not been a good year.
But they did. And apparently it was a pretty good season. But I missed it. Then again, Netflix has some pretty good shows, too. All I watch on Netflix are Daredevil, Luke Cage, and Nailed It.*
So, I decided to prepare for the 2021 season. And then I find out that nearly every cable company and streaming service has removed the Fox Sports networks. Apparently, while I wasn't paying attention**, Sinclair Broadcasting bought all the stations then proceeded to threaten to remove them all unless they were paid more money. (I believe the actual term they used was a "s#!@load".) Every cable company, having more common sense than lawn furniture, said no. So now, I'm deprived of SportsTime Ohio around here, which means the only times I'll get to watch the Cleveland [Insert Nickname Here] is when they're on national TV, and based on this year's roster, that should be zero.
But, with the nation opening up, I'll get to attend a game or two. That means I'll get to hit the traditional Hot Dog Stand.
Usually, baseball teams like to give their best food products catchy names. With Cleveland not having any players to write home about, I thought about players from around the league. Maybe, to attract fans, Cleveland can provide some goodies named after some of them. So, let's take a step into my Make Up Stupid Stuff Machine, and imagine ourselves at Progressive Field, standing in line to buy our families some yum-yums. I'll bet the menu would look something like this...
Yeah, yeah, it doesn't say Cleveland on the ticket. It's a stock photo. Sue me.
WELCOME TO PROGRESSIVE FIELD
Please form a single-file line, six feet apart. You may need glasses to see the menu. Or a telescope.
CURRENT SPECIALS:
SHANE BIEBER ... Small but tasty hot dog. Good for starters. $10
FRANCISCO LINDOR ANDRES GIMENEZ ... Cheeseburger. Not sure what to make of it yet. $8
FERNANDO TATIS ... All-beef hot dog seriously undercooked. And overpriced. $6,795.00
GEORGE BRETT ... All-beef cheeseburger coated in spices as well as a tar-like substance. Good flavor, but a few hours later it makes you -- well, you figure it out. $5
JOHN KRUK ... 12-inch meatball sub. Missing half the meatballs. $29.29
BLAKE SNELL ... Large, juicy bratwurst with all the fixings. After one bite, Kevin Cash yanks it away and replaces it with a salad. $5 1/3
SAMMY SOSA ... Large hot dog hollowed out and filled with cole slaw. $66.
MICKEY CALLAWAY ... A hot dog, plain, with no bun. Placed in front of you when you didn't ask for it. No Charge
CLEVELAND INDIAN SPECIAL ... Nachos with small amounts of unidentified toppings. No, we don't know what they are, either. Formerly the Cincinnati Red Special. $45-117
PITTSBURGH PIRATE SPECIAL ... Same as the Cleveland Indian Special, but with no toppings. $44-118
ANGEL HERNANDEZ ... Third-pound cheeseburger made it order, though you likely won't get it the way you ordered it. $15
PETE ROSE ... Quite simply the tastiest hot dog you've ever had. Comes with free guide to Saturday's races at Santa Anita along with a 25%-off coupon for a bad haircut. $41.92
ALEX RODRIGUEZ ... Very beefy hot dog filled with all kinds of artificial meat hormones. Available only around the taco stand. $250.
TIM TEBOW ... Our kids meal. $1.15
ALBERT BELLE ... Don't ask. $.01
Follow Bill on Twitter @WildLegend and get coupons for great Cleveland merchandise. Offer not available in the U.S. or Canada, or overseas.
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*--And The Crown. But only because Mrs. Legend watches it. Honest.
**--Hey, Gillian Anderson is really good in The Crown.
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