What's the deal with Ohio State quarterbacks?

Welcome to the club, Dwayne Haskins.

You're the newest member of one of the least exclusive clubs in football: the Failed Ohio State Quarterback Club.

Haskins is gone from the Washington Football Team. His agent left him. I wouldn't be shocked if his dog ran away.

I could go into his lack of maturity. I could talk about how he should have been focusing on his job and saved his partying for after the season. I could mention he was benched for Taylor Heinicke, whose last QB stint was as an XFL backup.

Heineke's lone football card shot up from 25 cents to $17.50, so at least he did something nice.

Don't worry. I will go into all those things later.

But first, let's delve into Haskins' alma mater. I wanted to know why Ohio State football, the high and mighty institution that has single-handedly changed school protocol, conference rules, and crowd safety guidelines -- all in the past three months -- can't produce a winning NFL quarterback.

Going through NFL record books, the most successful Buckeye quarterback by far has been Mike Tomczak. He was an undrafted free agent who joined the Chicago Bears in 1985 and is, to my knowledge, the only rookie QB in history to take a snap in a Super Bowl. He started 73 games in the NFL, going 42-31 with a career completion percentage of 53.8, and a passer rating of 68.9.

Hey, both were better than Haskins on Sunday.

It gets worse. Only two other QBs have started at least 10 games: Kent Graham, who went 17-21 with the Giants, Cardinals, and Steelers; and Tom Tupa, who went 4-9 but is much better known as the first player to score a two-point conversion in NFL history.*

So many others -- Troy Smith, Terrelle Pryor, Joe Germaine, Bobby Hoying, Art Schlichter, Cardale Jones -- were great as Buckeyes. Then they were drafted.

You can make an excuse that Ohio State is not a high-scoring machine, historically. Coaches like Woody Hayes, Earle Bruce, Jim Tressel, and John Cooper were more interested in winning games than running up the score. Still, it's odd that a school that can produce countless great running backs (Eddie George, Tom Matte), wide receivers (Cris Carter, Paul Warfield) and offensive linemen (Orlando Pace, Jim Parker) can't produce even a good quarterback, let alone a HOFer.

Don't forget great Obsessed Fans and Jim Tressel Look-alikes

Haskins' release should come as a surprise to no one. The guy was dancing at a strip club relative's birthday party the night he led the WFT to an ugly loss to the Seattle Seahawks. I'm sure Haskins spent the whole following week promising Rivera that he would in fact take the next game very seriously, and to prove it, he offered his coach 20% off his next lap dance.** Haskins' long-awaited response against the Panthers was to complete half his passes and throw no touchdowns and two picks, before being benched for Heinicke, who is best known for owning over 900 car care centers around the country.

Maybe some NFL team will give him another chance. And maybe he can be as well-renowned as someone like Mike Tomczak. And maybe his dog will show up at his front door, wet and hungry but alive and well. We can all hope.

It's not like he dropped a championship trophy or anything.

Wait, that wasn't mayo?

----------------------

*--So what?

**--Just kidding. It was 10%.

Random Thoughts: Drummers, Wrestling, and Boba Fett

 An update on my health, before a few random thoughts:

The Covid is out of the house. None of us are the worse for wear. Mrs. Legend was tired for nearly two weeks, but finally has enough energy to resume picking up after her kids (re: our children and me.) As for me, it shot my blood pressure sky high, but I'm taking steps to manage it. Usually at this time of year, my BP isn't a problem at all, as the Cleveland Browns are usually out of the playoff picture.

So, yeah, we all got through it. But, if you haven't had it yet, trust me, you don't want it.

IN ALL THIS CLEVELAND [INSERT NAME HERE] NAME CHANGE, there's something no one has asked yet: After 2021, what happens to John Adams' drum?

If you are a fan of the Cleveland [insert nickname here], then you either know who John Adams is, or you've at least heard his drum. He sits in the outfield bleachers and beats his bass drum (named, I kid you not, Big Chief Boom-Boom) whenever the team is rallying. But, with the elimination of the nickname, there goes all the tradition.

Looks like he'll have to beat on Tom Hamilton's big head instead. Should make the same hollow noise, at least.

BTW, if you want comedy, go to the Google and search "Cleveland baseball drummer" and John Adams' name and description comes up, but with a photo of former U.S. President John Adams.

Clearly, 2020 has been a rough year for Mr. Adams.

OHIO HIGH SCHOOL WRESTLING IS NUTS. The Ohio High School Athletic Association has a list of protocols to follow for winter sports. Of course, wrestling, being a contact sport with lots of contact, needs protocols. So, here you go:

No shaking hands.

Yeah, that's it. You can grab your opponent. You can twist your legs around his torso. You can stick your head in his sweaty buttcrack. But, for the love of God, don't shake his hand after the bout, because you'll get the covid!

Dude. I didn't mean that literally.

SPEAKING OF WRESTLING, why are the WWE and AEW on my ESPN feed? It's pro wrestling. It's not a sport! The outcomes are predetermined, they flop around needlessly, and they say random, nonsense things. Same goes for the NBA.

BOBA FETT RETURNING TO STAR WARS. A new series debuting next year will follow the exploits of everyone's favorite wacky bounty hunter.

For the record, Boba Fett is a kid who watched his father get his head chopped off, was given a mission to find someone and fell backwards into finding him literally parked on the ship he just left, delivered a carbonite body to a slobby slug-like thing, failed to kill a Jedi even though he fired from point blank range, then couldn't control his jetpack and got eaten by a Sarlaac. So, in summary, he did absolutely nothing, has shown himself to have no skills at his job whatsoever, and is still one of the most celebrated heroes in the universe.

Kind of like Joe Buck.

GUY ROLLERBLADES I-670 IN COLUMBUS WEARING ONLY A PANDA MASK. You come up with a better way to celebrate the end of a two-week quarantine.

Christmas Movie Review #5: Cheering for the Cleveland [insert nickname here]

Buy that Cleveland Indians gear now. It'll all be collectors' items in a few years.

The Cleveland Baseball Club is the latest to move away from a potentially insensitive nickname and embrace the 21st century.

The team has been under fire for years -- and I mean years -- for the Indians nickname. There were protests going back as far as the 1940s. One group of Native Americans has been standing at the main gate for every series opener going back to the 1960s.

I suspect MLB had a hand in this. The league kind of forced its hand when it came to Chief Wahoo, leading the team to agree to not sell any merchandise with the logo, nor to wear the logo on its uniform again. Of course, they did use it that season at least twice. And, although it isn't on their team shop website, Chief Wahoo is still available through official retailers, some of which were manufactured "in 2020," according to the sites.

Chief Wahoo is bad, but Chief Wahoo + cigar = total innocence.

I could come out and talk about the nickname supposedly came from a former player with Native blood in him. I could talk about how, for decades, a majority of Native Americans would look at the name and shrug their shoulders and say, "Who cares?"

Instead, I'll just come out and say it: I personally have never had a problem with the nickname. It doesn't really show disrespect, although Chief Wahoo kind of pushed it a bit. But, it isn't up to me. It's up to the Native Americans who are "represented" by the nickname, and if they don't like it, then so be it.

My parents told me to buy as much Cleveland Indians merch I could get a hold of. They said it will be really valuable someday since they're going to stop making it.

This is the same couple who, in 1992, paid the $1.50 cover price for Superman #75, the "Death of Superman" comic, then paid tons more for a safety deposit box just for that one comic. 28 years later, that safety deposit box has cost them thousands, and that comic book is worth about $1.50.

Hear that? That's my inheritance blowing me kisses goodbye.

"But Dad, why did you name us Snap, Crackle and Pop?"

I digress. If the Cleveland Baseball Club wants to take advantage of this, they would change their name to the Cleveland Buckeyes. After all, that was the name of the Negro League team that played there through the 1940s (where Larry Doby got his start). And what Cincinnati Reds fan, in their right mind, would say out loud, "The Buckeyes suck"?

On a completely unrelated note: As I'm watching the Ravens/Browns game tonight, they keep referring to Baltimore's defensive coordinator as "Wink Martindale," even though his real first name is Don. At least they aren't referring to Baltimore's OC as "Chuck Woolery."

CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER

This isn't a review of the TV special per se. There's really nothing wrong with this classic, except that it desperately needs to have the audio re-synched.

No, my problem with this show is that Santa Claus is a f***ing jerk.

When we first see him, he won't eat his wife's cooking. She takes this as an insult, because this film was made in 1964 and all women were good for back then were cooking and looking worried.

The very next scene shows Donner, one of the reindeer (yeah, I know, it's really Donder. Don't write to me.) and his wife, Mrs. Donner, celebrating the birth of their first son, Rudolph. Of course, Santa can't be bothered to give Donner Donner and Mrs. Donner their privacy; he just saunters in and announces his presence. As if he didn't make it clear enough who he is, he then sings a song about himself.

After his self-serving song, he proclaims Rudolph unfit to pull his sleigh because he's different. Yep, he's Santa the bigot.

Pretty sure this scene is in there somewhere, too. Probably in the Deluxe Edition.

When next we see the not-so-jolly-old-elf, he is listening to "elf practice". The elves sing a song that looks and sounds pretty complicated for a group of toy manufacturers. All Santa can say is, "Hmmm. Needs work." Then he leaves.

You know what? I'm not going on. I'm ticked off now. Screw your milk and cookies, fat man!

Christmas Movie Review #4: It Started Off as a Cold

Well, it was bound to happen, sooner or later.

I got Covid-19.

Thousands of Americans are catching it daily. Here in Ohio, it's absolutely out of hand. More people I know get diagnosed every week.

It's a strange feeling, now that I know I have it. Stranger still, now that the worst of the symptoms have gone.

It started off as a cold. I was getting a bit stuffed up throughout the day Saturday. By late afternoon, my energy was starting to leave, so I left work two hours early to go home and relax.

Overnight, I came down with serious chills. I had a fever of 101.7 (I never get fevers higher than, like, 99.0). My head ached so bad it felt like it was splitting off my neck. But by Sunday night, the headache subsided, and the stuffiness hung around.

Then the double-whammy hit.

My boss texted me and said two coworkers' tests just came back positive. Minutes later, I sat down to dinner: tikka masala, one of my favorite dishes, as only my wife can make it.

I couldn't taste it.

I got up and grabbed one of my wife's Essential Oil bottles and opened the cap. I tried to smell it. Nothing. I stuck the entire bottle of Thieves up my right nostril. Still nothing.

I left and got tested. The results just came back. But I didn't need to hear the results.

My wife, who has had the same sniffles as me for two days, came down with the same headache tonight. All three of my kids came down with fevers.

I currently work at a butcher shop. The owners are great and generous people. My co-workers are kind and easy to get along with. But, there is no mask rule. Not only is Ohio's mask mandate not enforced, but many of the workers there say they'd quit before putting on a mask. The owners even put up paper over the windows, to stop the health department from seeing the cutters and packers in the meat room violating Ohio's mask mandate.

I am doing better now. My sense of taste is slowly coming back. My sense of smell is ever so slight, but it will come back eventually.

Listen, folks. I'm sitting here right now, watching all three of my kids wrapped up in blankets, my wife with an ice pack on her head. I feel absolutely miserable. Not because I'm sick, because I'm not anymore -- I hate seeing the four people I love more than anything else in the world in misery, all because of the people I work with.

Screw politics. Screw your personal views. Screw your temporary comfort. Wear. Your. F***ing. Mask.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: FROSTY THE SNOWMAN/FROSTY RETURNS

The good news is, I'm stuck in quarantine for another week, so that gives me plenty of time for Christmas shows to review, including:

They're using the term "holiday favorite" here very, very loosely.

Now, I have no issue with the original Frosty The Snowman. I watched it every year since I was knee-high to a snowball. You all know the story. The magician sucks. The kids groan. Then they cheer, which sounds like more groaning. The hat ends up on the snowman. The snowman talks and sings. The magician disappears or something.

The snowman tries to buy a train ticket but has no money. This is when it dawns on me that the girl with him is named Karen. If she really were a Karen, she wouldn't have taken no from the ticket broker; she would have asked to speak to his manager.

They travel north. They end up in a greenhouse with a door that magically locks only when Karens try to open them apparently, since Santa had no trouble opening it twice just minutes later. Santa then threatens the magician. Frosty flies away and proclaims, "I'll be back on Christmas Day," seemingly oblivious to the fact that, since he's traveling with Santa, it must already be Christmas Day.

Now, let's dive into the unauthorized sequel: Frosty Returns.

Let's not.

It's actually the third sequel. It's the first one that uses a new animation company as well as new voice actors. It has a freaky miniature Jonathan Winters who seems to show up everywhere for no reason, yet can't be seen or heard by anyone except the viewer, which is their way of convincing the viewer that s/he is slowly losing his/her mind.

The show itself starts with a bunch of Karens (a "complaint" of Karens?) singing a humor-leveling song about how bad snow is. We then see a little girl's "magic hat" fly off her head, fly through the air, and land on a snowman, predictably bringing it to life. Not so predictably, he takes the hat off his head at least three times throughout the show, yet does not revert to zombie form, because loopholes.

Then we see some old guy selling an aerosol can that eliminates snow. At one point, he used it too close to Frosty and it burned a hole right through him (Frosty, not the old man, though that would make the show infinitely more enjoyable).

Eventually, Frosty sings a song to the people, who side with him and name him king or something. The old man tries to run him over with a car (yes, this is a kids' cartoon) but drives into a lake. Frosty, however, forgives him, and everyone is happy in the end.

Do me a solid. When you buy this two-episode DVD, stop after the first one.

Christmas Movie Review #3: I hate Xichigan?!?

 Finally! Michigan found a way to eliminate Ohio State from the Big Ten Championship!

As I believe I mentioned could happen in a not-yet-irrelevant blog post, Michigan canceled Saturday's game against Ohio State. Predictably, this sent local pundits in a complete tizzy. I spent the next two hours listening to local Columbus, Ohio, radio while following various Twitters and news feeds on my internet machine. You'd have thought there was a meteor headed for North High Street.

First, a little background for those of you who are not from Central Ohio. For many in this population, Ohio State football is, to sum it up in one word, life. Besides their immediate families, there is nothing that is more valuable to some of them than Buckeye Football. And for some of them, they'd give up some members of their family for another victory over that hated Team Up North.

I'm told this is former OSU tight end Jake Ballard on the left. On the right is his sister.

You think I'm kidding. This rivalry with Michigan is serious business around here. The week before The Game -- as it's called around here -- many local businesses scratch the letter "M" off anywhere they see it. (For instance, "Macy's" would show up for the week as "Xacy's", or "Moron" would be "Xoron".) Many people refuse to say the name of the state. Ever. Certainly, this is the most hated rivalry in all of sports.

At least, that's what Ohio State fans would want you to believe.

Michigan fans in Ann Arbor hate Ohio State, make no mistake. I've been there. I've spoken to the fans. And many of them will tell you: The Michigan Wolverines' biggest rival is, of course, Michigan State.

YEAH, WE HATE... wait, what?

They compete for media attention. They compete for recruits. They compete for the fans' love. Michigan and Michigan State compete for a whole lot more. Sure, Ohio State makes a better national rivalry, and a better story for the national media. But the Spartans have a much more immediate impact on the Wolverines and their fans.

Sorry, Buckeye fans. I know what it's like to love, and not be loved back. I imagine the same is true for hate as well.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: SANTA CLAUS, THE MOVIE

Ever have a movie you loved as a kid? Then, you watch it for the first time in years (like, since you noticed girls) and wonder what in the hell you ever liked about it?

That's the case for me with this dog.

Dudley Moore, one of my favorite actors, plays Patch, an elf who tries to help Santa Claus by making him irrelevant. But I'm jumping ahead.

The movie starts with an older couple traveling by sleigh through a snowstorm to deliver a bunch of toys to a family on Christmas Eve. On the way back, they get lost and become a few degrees above becoming a pair of Clausickles.

But they're rescued by a group of elves who take them to their castle. Once the old couple is settled in and warmed up, the elves inform them that they are not allowed to return home ever again.

No, I'm not kidding.

Accepting their fate, they begin managing the elves, who are expert toymakers. Later, they get the old guy a red suit and explain to him that he will deliver these toys all over the world and that he will now be called Santa Claus.

The man seems cool with all of this.

Now, don't ask me how he knows where to deliver all these toys the first time around. Nor does the movie accurately explain how the kids know to write to him, considering he's never done this before so they can't know who the hell this old, bearded guy breaking into their house really is.

We then moved ahead several hundred years, Patch screws up and builds a bunch of inferior toys one year, and suddenly everyone hates Santa Claus because of his shoddy toys.

Patch leaves and hooks up with a toy executive, who lets him create a magic lollipop that makes people fly. Then he decides to fly back to the North Pole in a magic flying sled. (I don't really know what led to this; I fell asleep) and Santa saves Patch when the sled blows up.

Also, Burgess Meredith plays some really, really old elf whose only job is to spout off something about a prophesy and walk around with a really bitchin' beard.

He then told Santa he was going to eat lightning and crap thunder.

Slowly, one step at a time, I think I'm destroying my childhood.

Christmas Movie Review #2: Ref-Beating Madness

 Who says Texas high school football isn't the best in the world?

It's certainly the most interesting.

Edinburg High School was eliminated from the playoffs Thursday thanks to one player. He didn't fumble a sure game-tying touchdown. He didn't throw a late interception. He didn't even spike his team's pregame pizza with Ex-lax.

No, he did something much dumber. He slammed into the referee. After he was ejected.

This moron -- we'll protect his identity by calling him Emmanuel, though his real name is Emmanuel Duron and he's an 18-year-old senior at Edinburg -- got ejected from Thursday's game. He had been called for a personal foul, then was given an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and ejected for arguing with the referee. No, they were not arguing about who put the Ex-lax on the pizza.

Apparently, Emmanuel didn't get his message across during the argument. So he got it across, WWE style.

The referee (I won't use his name, seriously, to protect his anonymity, though I did actually learn it. Hey, I do my research!) left the game and was evaluated for a possible injured shoulder and concussion symptoms. He did not return.

Emmanuel isn't returning, either. Probably not for a long, long time. He was escorted from the stadium by police and has since been charged with assault.

Emmanuel is a clear winner. He was suspended from soccer for an entire season for a "similar encounter," showing he clearly lacks the capability of learning anything and, indeed, I'm stunned he passed his studies enough to make it to his senior year. The Monitor, a newspaper that services the Rio Grande area in Texas, named him last year's All-Area Wrestler of the Year, showing that the Monitor does not base its choices on what the athletes have in their head.

Coincidently, The Monitor's choice for Inspirational Athlete of the Year

The mugging in question took place during a Texas 31-6A Zone Play-In Game, with the winner advancing to the Bi-District round, proving once and for all that Texas has too many damn teams.

The game was won by Edinburg, though the school's athletic director chose the safe route and withdrew his team from the playoffs. Is that fair for the other players on the Edinburg team? Short answer: No. Long answer: No, but they can take it out on Emmanuel by force-feeding him Ex-lax.

It was a classy move by the AD. I know a few former (and maybe current) ADs who wouldn't make such a move. They would punish the player, though, for sure. Maybe suspend him for a few plays. Or maybe make the bold move to ban him from eating any pregame pizza. Well, maybe one slice, but cheese only, no pepperoni.

And hey, in only three years, he'll be draft-eligible. Hello, Cincinnati.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Because I'm doing this blog 25 straight days, you're not going to get 25 reviews. Sorry. But you will get reviews for whatever I end up watching this year.

The last special I watched was a special I didn't even know existed until a few years ago, despite the fact that this was my favorite cartoon as a kid.

The original TV show, as it aired for three years on syndicated television (check your local listings), was called He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe. But, none of us kids called it that. It was "He-Man." That's it. Screw the Masters of the Universe. The people at Mattel were certainly not Masters of Creative Toy Naming.

In our Christmas special, Prince Adam (he's He-Man's alter-ego who looks exactly like He-Man. Think Clark Kent walking around without glasses.) is decorating for his birthday along with his twin sister Adora, who lives on another planet but is there for some reason. Their mother, Queen Mrs. Adam, reminisces about Christmas, a holiday on her home planet of Earth. Adam asks more about this holiday, which he has never heard of even though they use Christmas-style decorations every year for Adam's birthday and the queen has certainly never mentioned this fact.

Moving along, Orko (continuing the Superman theme, think Bat-Mite) gets in a spaceship and heads to Earth completely coincidently. He rescues two Earth kids from the snow, and they teach Orko about Christmas, including the worst rendition of Jingle Bells you've ever heard.

Even worse than his.

Skeletor (Lex Luthor) is sent to Earth to learn about the "magic of Christmas" to be used for evil purposes, and he kidnaps the kids. Now, he could have picked out any of the 100 million-or-so kids in the United States, but he picks these same two because bad TV writing. Long story short (too late) Skeletor is about to deliver the kids to his boss, Horde Prime (General Zod), but does a sudden face turn and saves the kids from Horde Prime's grasp. Somehow, He-Man and She-Ra get involved.

Yeah, I don't know either. If you have an hour to kill, watch it. And have fun MST3K-ing the heck out of it.

Christmas Movie Review 1 of 25; The Legend Returns Again

The biggest conspiracy in United States history could be taking place in Michigan. It involves counting results that may not be as they are reported.  The repercussions of such a conspiracy could upset the balance of power like never seen before in this country.

No, it's not the presidential election. It's COVID-19 testing in the Michigan football program.

So, the Wolverines have a bunch of players who are suddenly testing positive for the coronavirus. Although never numbers were directly reported to the media, practices were shut down and the entire program was ground to a halt. One day later, Saturday's game against Maryland was cancelled. There's already talk that the team's final game -- against Ohio State -- may be in jeopardy. Bear in mind, that game is 10 days away.

Where I live, people are having trouble getting test results within a week. Apparently, we all need to move to Ann Arbor. They're getting results in a manner that defies the space-time continuum. It's as if the Michigan doctors are using Hermione Granger's Time Turners.

Okay, so maybe there are a lot of positives. What are the numbers?

Michigan's AD isn't giving any numbers, claiming he is "not provided with a sport-by-sport update." Makes perfect sense. I'm an athletic director, which means I, literally, direct the athletics at the place where I work. So I wouldn't be at all concerned that I don't know how many players tested positive for the most devastating world pandemic in 102 years.

Smell that? That's sarcasm.

So, when can Michigan resume practice? The team doctor said we have to see "positive trends over two to three days."

Keep in mind, we don't know precisely how many positive tests we have.

Wow. That's so low. It's not like a class program like Ohio State would do something like that. Except, they totally did.

Remember Ohio State's cancelled game against Illinois last weekend? Ohio State cancelled it. They didn't reveal how many positive cases they had, either. All we know is that it didn't exceed the 5% threshold established by the Big Ten.

In other words, Ohio State called off the game just because.

So now, Michigan is doing the exact same thing. And, if they do it next week too, then no Ohio State game. The Buckeyes get only five games, and that's not enough to qualify for the Big Ten Championship.

ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit suggested this exact same thing on Tuesday. Now, I came up with this back on Monday, and told everyone I knew about it. Then, he goes on TV and steals my thunder.

Herbstreit, reveling in stepping on the toes of a small-town sports blogger.

Herbstreit apologized on the Twitter machine an hour after the broadcast. Personally, I don't think he had to. At least, not to Michigan fans. He needs to apologize to me, dammit!

It brings up whether Ohio State called off their game Saturday just because they didn't want to risk their unbeaten season in a useless game against Illinois, easily their toughest opponent on the rest of the schedule, especially considering Ryan Day wasn't going to be on the sidelines due to his positive test. If that's the case, Michigan likely is cancelling their last two games simply because they suck.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: A CHRISTMAS STORY

I am a creature of habit. I have a set way I do things, and one of those things is how I get ready for Christmas. So, for 25 days, I will review the 25 Christmas movies/TV shows that I consider my own personal must-sees in December. I will sit back and look at them from a whole new perspective: are they really worthy of seeing every single damn year?

Today: A Christmas Story.

I'll admit, showing it all day on TBS is one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Before I got married, I would have it on for most of the day. It would air four, maybe five times that day.

Then I got married. Sorry, Ralphie.

Somewhere, Aunt Clara is crying.

If you've never seen this movie, I urge you to stop whatever you're doing now, and pop in the DVD. (Or stream it, or whatever.) I first saw this movie in the theater, where it was bombing big time. (My mom and I were the only two people in the theater, and it was a week before Christmas.) I loved it then, and I love it now.

I can totally relate to this movie. I wanted a Christmas present desperately once. No, it wasn't a Red Ryder BB gun. It wasn't even a deranged Easter Bunny costume. It was an Electric Football game. And I did everything to let my parents know I wanted it, including tearing the page out of the Sears Catalog (remember those? The Sears Wish List catalog is a pleasure today's kids will never relate to.) and placing it in my dad's Time Magazine. Like in the movie (oops, spoiler alert!) it worked.

That same year, our Christmas turkey was ruined, too. Only it wasn't the Bumpus' dogs. My mom went to check the turkey close to dinner time and noticed she forgot to turn the oven on.

Best. Christmas. Ever.