Christmas Movie Review #3: I hate Xichigan?!?

 Finally! Michigan found a way to eliminate Ohio State from the Big Ten Championship!

As I believe I mentioned could happen in a not-yet-irrelevant blog post, Michigan canceled Saturday's game against Ohio State. Predictably, this sent local pundits in a complete tizzy. I spent the next two hours listening to local Columbus, Ohio, radio while following various Twitters and news feeds on my internet machine. You'd have thought there was a meteor headed for North High Street.

First, a little background for those of you who are not from Central Ohio. For many in this population, Ohio State football is, to sum it up in one word, life. Besides their immediate families, there is nothing that is more valuable to some of them than Buckeye Football. And for some of them, they'd give up some members of their family for another victory over that hated Team Up North.

I'm told this is former OSU tight end Jake Ballard on the left. On the right is his sister.

You think I'm kidding. This rivalry with Michigan is serious business around here. The week before The Game -- as it's called around here -- many local businesses scratch the letter "M" off anywhere they see it. (For instance, "Macy's" would show up for the week as "Xacy's", or "Moron" would be "Xoron".) Many people refuse to say the name of the state. Ever. Certainly, this is the most hated rivalry in all of sports.

At least, that's what Ohio State fans would want you to believe.

Michigan fans in Ann Arbor hate Ohio State, make no mistake. I've been there. I've spoken to the fans. And many of them will tell you: The Michigan Wolverines' biggest rival is, of course, Michigan State.

YEAH, WE HATE... wait, what?

They compete for media attention. They compete for recruits. They compete for the fans' love. Michigan and Michigan State compete for a whole lot more. Sure, Ohio State makes a better national rivalry, and a better story for the national media. But the Spartans have a much more immediate impact on the Wolverines and their fans.

Sorry, Buckeye fans. I know what it's like to love, and not be loved back. I imagine the same is true for hate as well.

CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: SANTA CLAUS, THE MOVIE

Ever have a movie you loved as a kid? Then, you watch it for the first time in years (like, since you noticed girls) and wonder what in the hell you ever liked about it?

That's the case for me with this dog.

Dudley Moore, one of my favorite actors, plays Patch, an elf who tries to help Santa Claus by making him irrelevant. But I'm jumping ahead.

The movie starts with an older couple traveling by sleigh through a snowstorm to deliver a bunch of toys to a family on Christmas Eve. On the way back, they get lost and become a few degrees above becoming a pair of Clausickles.

But they're rescued by a group of elves who take them to their castle. Once the old couple is settled in and warmed up, the elves inform them that they are not allowed to return home ever again.

No, I'm not kidding.

Accepting their fate, they begin managing the elves, who are expert toymakers. Later, they get the old guy a red suit and explain to him that he will deliver these toys all over the world and that he will now be called Santa Claus.

The man seems cool with all of this.

Now, don't ask me how he knows where to deliver all these toys the first time around. Nor does the movie accurately explain how the kids know to write to him, considering he's never done this before so they can't know who the hell this old, bearded guy breaking into their house really is.

We then moved ahead several hundred years, Patch screws up and builds a bunch of inferior toys one year, and suddenly everyone hates Santa Claus because of his shoddy toys.

Patch leaves and hooks up with a toy executive, who lets him create a magic lollipop that makes people fly. Then he decides to fly back to the North Pole in a magic flying sled. (I don't really know what led to this; I fell asleep) and Santa saves Patch when the sled blows up.

Also, Burgess Meredith plays some really, really old elf whose only job is to spout off something about a prophesy and walk around with a really bitchin' beard.

He then told Santa he was going to eat lightning and crap thunder.

Slowly, one step at a time, I think I'm destroying my childhood.