The biggest conspiracy in United States history could be taking place in Michigan. It involves counting results that may not be as they are reported. The repercussions of such a conspiracy could upset the balance of power like never seen before in this country.
No, it's not the presidential election. It's COVID-19 testing in the Michigan football program.
So, the Wolverines have a bunch of players who are suddenly testing positive for the coronavirus. Although never numbers were directly reported to the media, practices were shut down and the entire program was ground to a halt. One day later, Saturday's game against Maryland was cancelled. There's already talk that the team's final game -- against Ohio State -- may be in jeopardy. Bear in mind, that game is 10 days away.
Where I live, people are having trouble getting test results within a week. Apparently, we all need to move to Ann Arbor. They're getting results in a manner that defies the space-time continuum. It's as if the Michigan doctors are using Hermione Granger's Time Turners.
Okay, so maybe there are a lot of positives. What are the numbers?
Michigan's AD isn't giving any numbers, claiming he is "not provided with a sport-by-sport update." Makes perfect sense. I'm an athletic director, which means I, literally, direct the athletics at the place where I work. So I wouldn't be at all concerned that I don't know how many players tested positive for the most devastating world pandemic in 102 years.
Smell that? That's sarcasm.
So, when can Michigan resume practice? The team doctor said we have to see "positive trends over two to three days."
Keep in mind, we don't know precisely how many positive tests we have.
Wow. That's so low. It's not like a class program like Ohio State would do something like that. Except, they totally did.
Remember Ohio State's cancelled game against Illinois last weekend? Ohio State cancelled it. They didn't reveal how many positive cases they had, either. All we know is that it didn't exceed the 5% threshold established by the Big Ten.
In other words, Ohio State called off the game just because.
So now, Michigan is doing the exact same thing. And, if they do it next week too, then no Ohio State game. The Buckeyes get only five games, and that's not enough to qualify for the Big Ten Championship.
ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit suggested this exact same thing on Tuesday. Now, I came up with this back on Monday, and told everyone I knew about it. Then, he goes on TV and steals my thunder.
Herbstreit apologized on the Twitter machine an hour after the broadcast. Personally, I don't think he had to. At least, not to Michigan fans. He needs to apologize to me, dammit!
It brings up whether Ohio State called off their game Saturday just because they didn't want to risk their unbeaten season in a useless game against Illinois, easily their toughest opponent on the rest of the schedule, especially considering Ryan Day wasn't going to be on the sidelines due to his positive test. If that's the case, Michigan likely is cancelling their last two games simply because they suck.
CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW: A CHRISTMAS STORY
I am a creature of habit. I have a set way I do things, and one of those things is how I get ready for Christmas. So, for 25 days, I will review the 25 Christmas movies/TV shows that I consider my own personal must-sees in December. I will sit back and look at them from a whole new perspective: are they really worthy of seeing every single damn year?
Today: A Christmas Story.
I'll admit, showing it all day on TBS is one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Before I got married, I would have it on for most of the day. It would air four, maybe five times that day.
Then I got married. Sorry, Ralphie.
If you've never seen this movie, I urge you to stop whatever you're doing now, and pop in the DVD. (Or stream it, or whatever.) I first saw this movie in the theater, where it was bombing big time. (My mom and I were the only two people in the theater, and it was a week before Christmas.) I loved it then, and I love it now.
I can totally relate to this movie. I wanted a Christmas present desperately once. No, it wasn't a Red Ryder BB gun. It wasn't even a deranged Easter Bunny costume. It was an Electric Football game. And I did everything to let my parents know I wanted it, including tearing the page out of the Sears Catalog (remember those? The Sears Wish List catalog is a pleasure today's kids will never relate to.) and placing it in my dad's Time Magazine. Like in the movie (oops, spoiler alert!) it worked.
That same year, our Christmas turkey was ruined, too. Only it wasn't the Bumpus' dogs. My mom went to check the turkey close to dinner time and noticed she forgot to turn the oven on.
Best. Christmas. Ever.
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