Dealing with cards

I used to have an awesome sports card collection.

Really, that's not news. I'm a man of the male gender in his mid-40s, so it was required by law. But, I had a big collection. Thousands of cards. I had cards in my bedroom. I had them in my living room. I had football cards, baseball cards, hockey cards, wrestling cards. I had cards of people who collected cards.

You have to understand, it's not like cards today, where they're all high-quality cards that have shiny gloss on both sides and can be used as hockey coasters, or lock picks, or portable calculators. They didn't feature only rookies and guys who have been suspended at least three times. They didn't cost $375 for a pack of three cards.

No, these cards came about 15 per pack for around 50 cents. There were so many in a set that many cards featured backups who rarely took the field.

His only football card, and he's holding a clipboard.

They also included a stick of bubble gum, because logic. The gum never tasted stale, even if the pack was over a year old. Probably because there were more preservatives packed into one stick than there are in at least 30 boxes of McNuggets.

I put this theory to a very serious test once. I once bought a pack of cards that was over 30 years old. Inside was the traditional piece of bubble gum. Of course, being a guy of the male gender (this should by now be well established) I ate the gum.

It didn't chew. It crumbled. It literally crumbled into tiny pieces in my mouth. But it still tasted like bubble gum.

And, in doing so, I inadvertently invented Candy Crush

I always wish I hadn't sold my collection. I had some prime pieces -- rookie cards of Roger Staubach, Joe Montana, Lawrence Taylor, Jerry Rice, Randy Dean -- as well as some complete United States Football League and World League of American Football sets. Don't laugh -- they fetch thousands.*

Fortunately, I was able to acquire a son. He came into the world in the usual way.** He has picked up my love for cards, and I get him packs every chance I get. Like me, he'll collect anything but prefers football. Every time he gets a pack and opens one, I ask him, "Son***, can I have the gum?"

And every time he says, "Dad, there's no gum."

And I say, "Can I chew a card then?"

And he laughs. And I laugh. And Randy Dean laughs.

FEEL THE BERN (LIMITED EDITION)

I don't get political on this page -- unless it's related to sports. Then all bets are off.

I watched some live TV with my kids Wednesday, because something of some importance was going on in Washington, D.C., and I thought it was a great chance to expose my kids to a little history lesson. Especially since two weeks ago, when I told my kids that people protest to tell the government they aren't happy with something and they want to make our country better, then I turn on the news and see some guy wearing viking horns and a Chewbacca bikini.

I expected something dignified that my kids can learn from. Of course, it's my family, so the only thing they took away from the day was Bernie Sanders and his mittens.

The internet, of course, did the same thing, proving the internet is the greatest invention in the history of words.

Wait, I said it was related to sports. Hmmm... oh yeah. Sorry, got sidetracked.

Topps has decided to jump on the Bern Train with a limited edition card, because of course they did.

Still more dignified than Bill Ripken's rookie card

It's only available for a few more days as of this writing, so get on the internet machine and order yours now. Gum not included.

Follow me on Twitter @WildLegend for tips on how to get gum out of your mittens.

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*--Seriously. The first set of USFL cards (from 1984) are going for about $1,500. Pretty sad that the league itself didn't have enough money to buy its own cards.

**--Your earworm of the day.