I was listening to the radio earlier today, and the DJ said they would later interview a man who claimed to have never missed a Super Bowl.
Immediately, my co-worker and I blurted out at the same time: "Tom Brady."
Sure seems like it.
I always held that Joe Montana was the greatest quarterback to ever suit up. When he was at his best, he was untouchable. He made his teammates better. He made defenses look like a high school JV team.
But, he didn't take his teams to 10 freakin' Super Bowls.
So, once and for all, let's settle this. Who is the greatest quarterback of all time? (Between these two, anyway.)
Career passer rating: Montana, 92.3. Brady, 97.3. ADVANTAGE: BRADY.
Best win/loss record: Montana, 117-47 (.713). Brady, 230-69 (.769). ADVANTAGE: BRADY.
Best completion percentage in a season: Montana, 70.2% in 1989. Brady, 68.9% in 2007. ADVANTAGE: MONTANA.
More Super Bowl wins: Montana has four. Brady, once you include his championship game wins, now has 16 rings, meaning his fingers are filled and is now working on his toes. A win next Sunday gives him 17, leaving him room for only four more before he has to start doubling up.* ADVANTAGE: BRADY.
Body mass index: Montana, 25.7. Brady, 27.4. ADVANTAGE: MONTANA.
Best smile: Montana lights up the room. Brady's smile makes me think I owe him money or something. ADVANTAGE: MONTANA.
Best singing voice: Tom Brady sang on SNL once, and sounded like a first grader wearing a tree costume. Then I looked up "Joe Montana Sings" on YouTube and found a great rendition of an Alan Jackson song, before I realized there's actually a country singer out there named Joe Montana. Seriously, doesn't he know? ADVANTAGE: DRAW.
Most bad-ass move: Joe Montana once chased away a would-be kidnapper while watching his grandchild. I don't care what Tom Brady has ever done; nothing is more bad-ass than that. ADVANTAGE: MONTANA.
So, based on his highly scientific study using data I choose to find on the internet, Montana is clearly better. Therefore, if the Chiefs want any chance of winning, they need to sign Montana, stat. Okay, he's 64 years old now, but so what? That's only 21 years on Brady.
Whatever. In other news...
PARAMOUNT-PLUS STREAMING SERVICE COMING IN MARCH. Forget the fact that the new service will have the complete library of Star Trek, or the Godfather movies, or any of a bunch of CBS shows. Rumors have it that subscribers will get the complete Beavis & Butt-Head library.
Paramount recently ordered two new seasons of Beavis & Butt-Head, which is about two complete idiots who make fun of everyone, and who learn everything from videos they see on their TV. If you have trouble imagining this, just pretend they subscribe to QAnon.
NO COKE/PEPSI/BUDWEISER MEANS A NEW CROP OF SUPER BOWL ADS. Among the first-time Super Bowl ad purchasers this year are Chipotle and Huggies. Basically, burritos and diapers. Two things that go hand-in-hand when focusing on something like the Super Bowl.
CURT SCHILLING ASKS TO BE REMOVED FROM HOF BALLOT. Everyone's favorite sore loser received 71% on this year's ballot, just shy of the 75% needed. He now claims he wants off the ballot, saying he wants the players to induct him, not the press.
By amazing coincidence, pitcher Dan Haren also opted out of future ballots in a tweet earlier today. Of course, the lifetime 3.50 ERA pitcher admitted he "probably will be told" he will be removed anyway, considering he received 0.0%. I swear that's all true.
By the way, Barry Zito received one vote. One. Vote. Out of about 400 ballots. Who the heck voted for him? Did someone send a ballot to his wife? Or did he pay off Joe Buck? Probably the latter. It would probably just cost Zito a burrito from Chipotle.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS DISCOVER PERFECTLY PRESERVED DINOSAUR ANUS.
Huh-huh, huh-huh.
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*--No, I added that right. Think about it.
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